Teaching Girls Self-Defence Starts Long Before a Situation Turns Physical

“But why would anyone want to hurt me?”

The question came from an 11-year-old during a self-defence workshop I was delivering to girls who had recently started secondary school.

It stopped me in my tracks.

Standing at the threshold of adolescence, these girls were leaving behind the relative familiarity of primary school and entering a world of greater independence, social pressure, relationships and, increasingly, online interaction.

One girl's question captured the innocence of the entire room.

So how do we talk to children about risk without making them afraid? And how do you teach self-defence when the situations they may need to navigate don't always look like the ones adults imagine?

Because the threat is very rarely a stranger in a dark alley. It might be a message in a group chat. A request for a photograph. Pressure from friends. Unwanted touching. A joke that goes too far. A boyfriend who doesn't respect a boundary. Or behaviour that has become so commonplace that young people no longer recognise it as unacceptable.

The risks don't always look the way adults expect

The scale of harmful behaviour experienced by young people is difficult to ignore.

Ofsted's 2021 review of sexual abuse in schools and colleges found that harmful sexual behaviour had become so commonplace that many young people regarded it as normal. Nearly nine in ten girls reported that being sent explicit pictures or videos they did not want to see happened “a lot” or “sometimes” to them or their peers. Some 92% said the same about sexist name-calling. Girls also described unwanted touching, including in school corridors.

The online environment presents another significant challenge. According to Girlguiding's 2023 research, 81% of girls aged 11–21 had experienced threatening

or upsetting behaviour online.

These figures matter because the person applying pressure or crossing a boundary may not be the stereotypical stranger adults often warn children about. It could be a classmate, friend or boyfriend. It could be another young person sitting in the same classroom or participating in the same group chat.

Scottish data on “other sexual crimes” has similarly highlighted the young age of both victims and perpetrators, while data from the National Police Chiefs' Council (NPCC) found that more than half of sexual offences recorded in 2021 — including offences involving the making and sharing of indecent images — were committed by children, overwhelmingly boys.

That is not an argument for demonising teenage boys. Most are young people trying to navigate adolescence, relationships and an increasingly complex online environment. I should know – I’m mother of a teenage boy myself.

These statistics aren't intended to frighten girls — they are a reminder that our understanding of self-defence needs to reflect the world children actually live in.

And that means looking beyond the physical.

Self-defence starts before the physical

Teaching a young girl to defend herself should not begin with teaching her how to fight.

It should begin with helping her recognise when something doesn't feel right — and giving her the confidence to act on that feeling.

That means teaching girls that their boundaries matter, that they are allowed to say no and that they do not have to remain polite when someone is making them uncomfortable.

In our workshops, this can mean:

• Building self-worth. Helping girls recognise their own value so that the pressure to fit in does not become more important than their safety or wellbeing.

• Exploring real situations. Talking openly about group chats, requests for images, unwanted touching, controlling behaviour and the point at which a “joke” stops being funny.

• Practising boundaries. Rehearsing simple, assertive responses such as “No”, “Stop”, “I'm leaving” and “I'm telling someone” — and practising saying them with confidence.

• Creating distance. Making it clear that walking away, moving towards other people, blocking someone online or getting help are not signs of weakness. They are forms of self-defence.

• Knowing who to turn to. Every girl should be able to identify trusted adults she can approach and, crucially, know that she will be listened to, supported – and believed.

These skills are not a substitute for physical self-defence. They are the foundation on which it should be built.

Give girls the words before they need them

Role-play is particularly powerful because it transforms advice into something practical.

A girl who has already practised saying no, stepping away from someone or asking an adult for help is more likely to find those words when she needs them.

It also allows difficult situations to be discussed before they happen.

-          What would you do if someone pressured you to send a photograph?

-          What if somebody touched you and told you it was only a joke?

-          What if a friend asked you to keep an uncomfortable secret?

-          What if someone ignored your first “no”?

The objective is not to teach girls that danger is everywhere. It is to teach them that their discomfort matters, their boundaries deserve respect and asking for help is never an overreaction.

And there is another message that must sit at the centre of every course: the responsibility for harmful behaviour lies with the person who chooses to cross the boundary — never with the child who was targeted.

The first lesson is agency

Physical techniques have their place. Learning how to create distance, escape and respond to an immediate physical threat can give girls valuable skills and confidence.

But effective self-defence education starts much earlier.

It starts with awareness, boundaries and confidence. And it starts with giving girls permission to use their voice.

Ultimately, teaching self-defence to younger girls is not about teaching them to be afraid of the world. It is about preparing them to navigate it with greater confidence and independence.

Because often the most important self-defence skill isn't knowing how to throw an effective strike. It's knowing when to say no — and having the confidence to mean it.